


Let's Test your Hypothesis

by blatantlyapologetic



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: But still uses old pronouns in some flashbacks, Gen, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Pearl (Steven Universe), Past Pearl/Rose Quartz (Steven Universe), Pearl uses they/them pronouns, Post-Episode s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, Pre-Steven Universe: the Movie, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 20:28:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21840391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blatantlyapologetic/pseuds/blatantlyapologetic
Summary: Pearl works through some confusing gender feelings with the help of Stevonnie and Rainbow 2.0.
Comments: 18
Kudos: 199





	Let's Test your Hypothesis

Pearl had made a plan. That was the best way to solve a problem, of course. 

Once you’d observed it, a problem could be solved, much like a puzzle. First, the observation; then the hypothesis, the experiment, and the conclusion. 

Pearl’s plan was going much worse than she’d hoped.

 _It's been centuries since I shapeshifted,_ she thought. _Fifty, to be exact. I’m regretting this decision._

There she was, prancing about, testing the waters, accommodating to slightly longer limbs. She looked peaceful; It would have been hard to tell she was upset just from looking.

_Observation: I have felt off since fusing with Steven, and I can’t stop thinking about it._

_Hypothesis: I’m just not used to this fusion yet. I’m used to the old Rainbow Quartz, and I need to accommodate to this version._

She had summoned an umbrella from her gem. It was a plain, pitiful thing, especially when compared to Rainbow 2.0’s brightly patterned parasol. The outfit was recreated perfectly. The marvelous grin on her face, she was sure, looked just how Rainbow’s had, weeks before. But something wasn’t right. It wasn’t the same.

And something else quite startling- there was a fake gem on her stomach.

_Experiment: Shapeshift into Rainbow Quartz._

She never thought she’d form that quartz shape on her stomach again. But the circumstances have changed, haven’t they? Even so, running her fingers along the edges of the pink stone was enough to send flashes of revulsion and suppressed memories back to her consciousness. But she did not phase it away.

_I’m sure I can hold this form for just a few more minutes. I’m on the edge of a breakthrough._

_Hold on._

But then Pearl collapsed, spraying water drops around as her back struck the water. 

This had taken more out of her than she’d thought. It’s just shapeshifting- but the gemstone she’d shapeshifted had brought with it some deeply unsettling feelings, and she wasn’t in the best condition that day to begin with. 

As strained as she felt right now, bits and pieces of her stunt just now had been almost… fun. Now that she thought about it, there was nothing to get used to at all; She already loved being Rainbow 2.0. Her hypothesis seemed incorrect. This… _experiment_ had yielded nothing and she was back to square one, with no more hypotheses to test.

What could she do now? 

Her head was pounding, and she could feel the beginnings of a panic attack set in. She had no reason to be this worked up! Life could not be any better. They were safe, at long last! She and Garnet and Amethyst and Steven had finally earned the peace they’d fought so hard for.

 _So_ why _, then? Why am I so dissatisfied?_

She wanted to get up before the water soaked through her jacket, but she could hardly move. It was selfish of her, really, to be obsessing over such a measly mental snag. But she hadn’t felt like herself since fusing with Steven for the first time. She idly wondered if Steven was as confused as she was right now. If Pearl was having a full-blown identity crisis, she could only assume Steven wouldn’t be faring much better.

But he was probably fine. He was an impressively adaptable kid. Pearl envied his ability to take things in stride- especially fusion.

She paused and listened to the waterfalls cascade down to Amethyst’s room. It calmed her, grounded her. But It was a while before she could muster the strength to stand again. She refreshed her form, and ran her fingers through her hair when it was finally dry.

_Observation: I can’t figure this out alone._

_Hypothesis: Steven will be able to help._

_Experiment: Talk to Steven_

_***_

_Pearl shielded her eyes from the sun. It was a hot, stressful day. Across the field, she could see Ruby roughhousing the other rubies from homeworld._

_“And this is necessary... why?” Pearl asked with a grimace._

_“I just want us to get into character! Amethyst can be Amy, and Sapphire can be Sophie.” Steven seemed proud of his naming efforts. “You’ve all gotta pick human names if we want this to work!”_

_Steven pointed to the list of names on his phone, brandishing it at Lapis and Pearl._

_Pearl was incredulous. “I'm sure that the rubies won't know if we have real human names or not! It doesn't matter! We could just pick any random sound and it’d be just as effective.” She huffed._

_“Aw, come on!” Steven said. “I’m having fun!”_

_“This is no time for fun! The safety of our planet is at stake,” Pearl said, crossing her arms._

_“_ Preeeetty Please? _” Steven said, looking straight at Pearl._

He can just be… so convincing, at times.

_“Alright.” Pearl rolled her eyes, but she was starting to calm down a bit. “But you need to help me and Lapis come up with names. There doesn't seem to be anything that similar to ours.”_

_“Can do!”_

_Steven started to pour over the list on his phone, occasionally saying a name out loud while staring at the gem in question._

_He glanced at Lapis. “Linda.” And he glanced back down._

_Glance up. “Lauren.” Glance do- “Wait!”_

_Pearl and Lapis waited patiently._

_Steven looked at Lapis and let out a gigantic grin. “I’m calling you Bob!”_

_Lapis snorted. “You do that a lot! What does it mean?”_

_“Well, It’s a boy’s name here on earth, but the rubies won’t know that… Not that it matters, anyways…” Steven considered for a moment. “I think It’s a good name for you!” He beamed._

_Lapis couldn't help but smile back, a little. “Lets, do it, then. I don’t really care what name you choose for me, anyways. Bob is fine.”_

_“Yess! Three down, one to go.” Steven got right back to work._

_Pearl’s mind was reeling. If male names worked too, why didn’t Steven say so from the start? That doubled the possibilities! She had to pick the perfect name, after all. And she’d met plenty of humans over her thousands of years on earth. She concentrated on all of the possibilities._

_“Piper?” Steven pondered. “Petra? Pansy? I, uh… need a bit more feedback from you, Pearl. What do you think?”_

_“Earl.”_

_“What?” Steven looked dumbfounded. Then, he broke out into a grin. “That’s so fitting! It’s even spelled the same as yours! Well, nearly! Aw, yeah!”_

_“It’s… okay, that it’s a male name, right?” Pearl asked. She was worried that she’d broken some social faux pas by choosing that name herself._

_“Yeah! Of course! I think It’s a great fit.” Steven was practically bouncing with excitement, so ready to start the ball game he was. “Not like the rubies will know, anyways!”_

That’s what I’ve been saying from the beginning! _Pearl thought. But she was quietly satisfied that she’d come up with a human name so close to her own._

_“Welcome to Team Earth, Bob and Earl!”_

_This game is going to go well._

_She felt rejuvenated, and ready to win some baseball._

***

_I’m telling you for your own good!_

_And not because I’m-_

***

Steven heard his name called from downstairs.

He set down his book and slid off his bed. “Just a second!” he said, and then neatly leapt from the loft, landing directly in front of Pearl. He beamed a smile at her, posing with his hands on his hips. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk with you. Make sure you’re okay.”

“Yeah! I really am,” he replied, his face looking more serious now, but still cheerful. “Everything that happened on Homeworld is hitting me gradually. But today is a good day! I can’t stop thinking about all the new gems we’re gonna meet tomorrow. Amethyst is still planning that road trip with the new quartzes!” Then his eyebrows knitted together a bit. “But I really appreciate you checking in with me like this. How about you? Are you doing alright?”

“Aha!” Pearl glanced to the side and flicked her wrist. “Don’t worry about me! Of course I’m fine!” She struggled to make eye contact with him. “There’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh? Hang on, let’s sit down.” he said, leading Pearl to the couch.

Pearl smoothed her pants out after sitting. “I…” Pearl cleared her throat again. “So, you…”

“Yeah?”

“You fused. With a lot of gems at once. I know It was overwhelming for me, the first time it happened to me. Are you feeling okay about it?”

“Oh!” Steven grinned. “Heck yeah I am! You’re right, It was _super_ overwhelming! But like, in the best way possible! I’ve been waiting for this moment for years!” Steven bounced in his seat, kicking his legs as he spoke. “I was so worried that I'd never be able to! This was one of the best moments of my life!”

Steven looked like he was close to tears from happiness.

 _Gosh, he is just the sweetest person. How can he face something as foreign as this with such optimism?_ Pearl found herself envying Steven’s easygoing attitude again.

“But this was your first time fusing with more than one person. Are you handling that alright?”

“Yeah! It was really no different than fusing with one of you. ‘Cause we're all so close now!”

“Aww,” Pearl let off a bashful smile. “I’m really proud of you Steven.”

Now, Steven did start crying.

“Pearl, I couldn’t have done it without you. We work together so well! I’m proud of you, too.”

Wow, she was _not_ prepared for that.

Now, she was blushing. And she felt guilty for assuming Steven would be worse off than her, earlier.

She floundered for something to say. “You… Are you sure It didn’t weird you out? I mean, so many personalities in one! It’s easy to get mixed up afterwards! I wouldn’t blame you,” she said, chuckling nervously. 

Tugging at her collar. 

Hugging one elbow with her other arm. 

“You can tell me anything that’s bothering you,” she added. “Anything at all.”

Steven’s face dropped, and he seemed to realize something.

“...Nah, I’m doing alright. Thank you for asking.” His response was calculated, not that Pearl noticed. “But I do have a question. Is it normal to feel scrambled after fusing?”

“Oh! Yes, of course! Especially if it’s with a brand new gem!” Pearl was relieved that she’d supposedly uncovered some of his insecurities. “But I’m sure you’ll get used to it in no time! You’re a fast learner. I have faith in you!”

Steven was reassured by that answer. “When was the last time you felt mixed up after fusing, Pearl?”

“Oh, a long time ago! I’m quite the seasoned dancer. I’ve fused with many gems over the years.” 

“Well, how about Rainbow Quartz 2.0? That was a new fusion for you!”

Pearl stiffened.

“He’s…”

_He’s lovely! I’m so glad we fused for the first time!_

_He’s not new, I’ve formed a Rainbow Quartz fusion before!_

_He’s better than me and I miss being him._

“...fine. He’s fine. And I, uh, was surprised! Of course! But I got over it quickly,” she said, backing away from Steven, trying to smile.

“Just ‘fine?’ C’mon! You gotta give me more than that!”

“Well, what else is there to say?” She was about to stand up, but then she noticed Steven’s face.

Steven was frowning. 

_That_ got her attention.

Steven crossed his arms. “You’re hiding something.”

“What do you mean?” Pearl was beginning to feel annoyed, but… Even she knew that was unwarranted. She wasn’t really annoyed. She was _scared._

“Pearl. You have to tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong!” She huffed and got to her feet, headed back to the temple door.

“Do you not like Rainbow?”

“Huh?” She spun around. “Of course I do!”

“Then why won’t you say so? It really doesn’t seem like it!”

Steven looked _hurt_. He had clearly taken her nonchalance personally. She didn’t want him thinking she regretted their fusing! Though it had certainly complicated things for her.

She hadn’t meant to brush Steven off. She had just panicked. Pearl wasn’t expecting him to bring up Rainbow 2.0 by himself. She’d planned the conversation perfectly, and Steven completely caught her off guard.

“I’m sorry, Steven. I do like Rainbow the Second. A lot! I didn’t mean to make you think otherwise.”

“Apology accepted. Now, please! Spill the beans! What’s got you so worked up?” Steven placed himself right in front of her, on his tiptoes so he could make eye contact with her.

Pearl took in a long breath.

“The act of forming Rainbow Quartz recently has caused some very confusing feelings to surface.”

Steven looked sympathetic. “Aw, Pearl, I figured it was something like that. I’m sorry you didn’t get to make the same Rainbow Quartz as before. I know you miss the fusion you made with my mom.”

Pearl was lost. “That’s… not actually it. I mean, the thought had crossed my mind, yes! But it’s something else that’s bothering me.”

Steven kept her in a stare, curious and calm and supportive.

“Well. I wish I could be more like Rainbow, is all.”

Now his stare looked confused. “What does Rainbow have that you don’t? They’re half You, and you’re great!”

Pearl shrugged off the compliment. “They have this air of self-esteem about them. I’ve been working towards that for years, but it’s been difficult to accomplish. Then, out of nowhere, I feel more confident than ever in this fusion! It’s a bit frustrating to feel that much confidence and then have it stripped away. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about our fusion.

“And that’s not all. I… _miss_ how I felt in our fusion. Like I was truly myself. Even though I, quite literally, was not myself.”

Steven withdrew slightly. “This is starting to sound like a rehash of the Sardonyx incident. You can’t rely on fusions to make you feel good, Pearl. That has to come from within.”

“No! That’s not it! I-” Pearl took a deep breath. 

_Admit it._

“I’m jealous of them, alright? Rainbow found out who they were within moments of existing! It took _me_ centuries! And I promise, I would never use our fusion like that. This is why I wanted to talk to you, Steven: I want to _learn from_ _them_. Where does one even find that level of confidence?”

“But Pearl, you’ve already gotten a lot more confident! The only reason Rainbow Junior had that much self confidence is ‘cause they got it from us! You and I have both come a long way.”

“Well, I don’t feel confident right now.”

Steven paused. He was considering a different approach.

“Hey, let’s sit down again,” he said, placing himself in the far corner of the couch, sitting cross-legged. Pearl joined him, tucking her feet underneath her body.

Steven thought for a moment, then turned to her. “What do you mean, you felt like ‘yourself?’” 

“I- I don’t know! Something just felt _right!”_ Pearl hesitated for a moment. Should she divulge her experiment from earlier? It might creep Steven out, though she hoped it wouldn’t. “That’s why I tried to shapeshift into Rainbow the Second earlier,” she worriedly admitted.

There was such a giddy expression on Steven’s face that Pearl was worried he’d misheard her. _What I did was shameful and ridiculous. Why would he smile at that?_

“That’s great that you’re shapeshifting again! Pearl, I know I already said this, but I am really proud of you. You’re getting more comfortable with it after all these centuries.”

Pearl blushed. “Thank you. But… You’re not appalled that I did that?”

“Not at all! I’m flattered, and I’m sure Rainbow would be, too.”

 _Oh no._ Rainbow _is gonna find out._

“Ah! This is bad!” Pearl bolted upright. “I hadn’t even thought about the fact that Rainbow will know I shapeshifted into them! Ohhh, this is so embarrassing! Just mortifying!” Pearl had begun to pace around the room, gesturing wildly. “The next time we form them, they’ll know that I copied them and danced around- pretending to _be_ them- and they’ll laugh at me!”

Steven had to stifle a giggle at that. Which, he supposed, meant that Rainbow 2.0 definitely _would_ laugh whenever they thought about it. “Pearl, you’re focusing on the wrong thing! Rainbow will probably find it amusing, yeah, but they’d never ridicule you! It’s okay, really!

Pearl paused and braced herself on the kitchen counter. She leaned over it, staring at the granite. _Steven doesn’t mind. And I know_ I _had a good reason. That means Rainbow won’t mind either._ She was beginning to gather her thoughts again.

“What do you miss most about being Rainbow Junior?”

Her eyes began to water. _I miss the freedom I felt when I was a part of Rainbow. No expectations. Someone entirely new. I want to reinvent myself again, just as Rainbow Quartz got to. This was my first new fusion in a long while._

_And I loved how different he was compared to me. New clothes, new voice, new identity- It was exhilarating. That comes with all fusions, of course, but this one affected me more so than any fusion I've been in before._

Pearl finally put her thoughts to words. “Rainbow was completely free. I miss _being_ them! I miss being _called_ ‘them!’ I think I’m craving a fresh start. And I got a taste of one as Rainbow the Second.” She sighed and wiped her eyes. “I just need some time off, probably. It’s been a stressful few months.”

Steven raised his hands. “Hold on! What was that you said?” He waited for Pearl to make eye contact with him before continuing. “You miss being called ‘them?’”

“I mean, I-” Pearl floundered. “I found it interesting, is all! The fact that Rainbow chose those pronouns to describe himself.”

Steven was staring at Pearl so intently that she found it difficult to maintain eye contact. She couldn’t even begin to guess what he was thinking. 

“Pearl, did you like using new pronouns?”

Pearl considered this for a moment. “Yes. Yes, I did. It was liberating. It felt… like Rainbow was able to express himself more freely because of the pronouns he used. It just felt right.” Pearl let out a weary laugh. “I’m doing a poor job explaining myself. What am I even saying? I can’t back up any of my points. I don’t even know how I feel.” She wiped her eyes again, but there were too many tears. 

_Where are the tissues?_ She scanned the room and noticed Steven, all of his rapt attention on her.

Steven’s eyes were absolutely sparkling.

“That’s okay! It’s _all_ okay! You don’t have to explain it!” He got up and bounded across the room to her in one leap, wrapping her in a hug from the side. “You can do that too, y’know. Try new pronouns. For yourself.”

That made Pearl tense. “No, I couldn’t possibly! It’s too complicated.”

“It’d be fine! I won’t push you, though. But it _is_ an option! Just do what makes you feel good!”

Pearl shifted in Steven’s hug to face down at him. She was feeling a bit overwhelmed, still, but Steven’s complete acceptance of her concerns made everything a lot less scary. _Asking Steven for help worked, after all. I don’t feel lost and aimless anymore. Or ashamed._ She smiled.

_Conclusion: Steven will always help her. No doubt about it._

“Thank you, Steven.”

Pearl began brainstorming again. She needed a new hypothesis, now.

Steven might be onto something. Rainbow’s pronouns were all new to her; All of the fusions she’d been in before had gone by ‘she.’ Pearl decided her new experiment would relate to pronouns. That concept would be tricky to test on her own- not that it would have occurred to her to test that at all. She found herself excited at the prospect of trying new ones. Pearl knew she never would have thought to test this without Steven’s prompting.

“You know what else?” Steven said, breaking her train of thought. “I think we should see what Rainbow Quartz thinks.”

“What, right now?”

“Yeah, why not? He’d love to help!” Steven laughed and hugged her tighter. “C’mon, let’s give it a try! It can’t hurt! Let’s just form Rainbow again, and you can pay really close attention to how he feels about… his identity, and stuff.”

Pearl knew Steven was right. _This will be good_ , she reminded herself. _Nothing like my failed experiment this morning. I can trust Steven. I can trust Rainbow._

“Alright! Let’s do this,” Pearl declared, sweeping Steven into her arms and spinning them both about. 

They were both laughing, now.

***

  
  


_“Cabochon 10, facets 610 through 618, head to The Reef for long term storage.”_

_Pearl was new to this world. New to existence._

_“That will be all.”_

_There wasn’t much to see in this existence, yet._

_And so Pearl was waiting. Surely, her number would be called soon. Any day now._

_Pearl knew exactly how many roof tiles, wall panels, and gem statues were in this vast room. She’d counted them all multiple times. She had a pretty good view of The Natatorium from her floor tile._

_She supposed she’d better start counting floor tiles. It was the only part of the calibration room she’d been unable to assess, since many of them were partially obscured by all of the other Pearls in the room, arranged in neat rows by their facet._

_She figured it would be easier to find the square area of the room first._

_“All of Cabochons 11 and 12, report to the Crystal System dock. Board the first ship.”_

_Pearl was distracted from her calculations as most of the other pearls in The Natatorium left. Well, that made counting the tiles much easier!_

_She had just finished when her own facet and cabochon were announced._

_“-report to White Diamond’s parlor.”_

Oh. Well, that was unexpected.

_“That will be all.”_

_She set foot immediately. She should be there within the hour if she ran the whole way. Using a small light hologram from her gem as a map, she calculated the fastest route._

_While traversing the landscape, she reviewed all that they had been taught during mass calibration last week._

_The memo about her appearance modifiers was strict: “You have the following forms to choose from. You are not permitted to remain in the calibration outfit. All of your future regeneration options can be seen in section 85. The diamonds or your owner may change this list at any future time.”_

_There weren’t many options, but she still felt overwhelmed by the choice._ I’ll just go through them in order, I suppose.

_“You must do as your owner says- nothing more, nothing less. Do not question orders.” That much she already knew. Most of the lecture, really, had already been pre-programmed in her gem. “You must do what everyone says, answering to the commands of whoever has the highest priority- See section 111.” A list flashed through Pearl’s consciousness. At the very top, the Diamonds. Then went the court gems, elites, other authority figures, ranked all the way down to the common soldiers. At the very bottom was a generic picture of a pearl. Which reminded her- she had yet to see her own reflection._

That’s not important. It’s not one of my duties.

_“Your personality must compliment your owners at all time. You exist to support their thought process and back up their opinions, when prompted.” Easy enough._

_“Your appearance is meant as a garnish to your owner’s presentation. Make sure you match and compliment her impeccably.” So she would have to choose the right appearance modifiers, after all… Hopefully, she would choose well. She wouldn’t want to offend anyone by picking her appearance incorrectly._

_By the time she reached White Diamond’s quadrant, she had reread her calibration report twice, and felt ready to report for duty._

_The palace she arrived in front of was an ornate, towering structure. It was back to back with White Diamond’s ship. Large drapes fell in neat curves from the tallest point of the palace, sweeping out to neighboring steeples. The arcs perfectly framed White Diamond’s ship, fanning out from its back like wings._

_As she climbed the steps, she passed row after row of guards. They avoided eye contact with her._

_The first landing had a bridge branching off to the side, who did make eye contact with her. The bridge’s face seemed to be trying to convey something. What it was, Pearl could not tell, and the moment had passed quickly._

_She reached the top, and saw an Agate watching her from just inside the palace entrance._

This must be my liege, _she thought._

_“My Agate, I am at your eternal service,” she said, saluting as she approached._

_The Agate glared down at her. “That’s a new one,” she huffed. Her resplendent silver dress billowed as she reached out and spun the pearl around, ushering her through a nearby lobby and into a small, featureless room._

_“You’re not my charge. White Diamond has requested you wear appearance modifier number 105. You have three minutes to study it, and three hours to reform. Call me when you are ready,” the Agate said before leaving the room._

This was good news! _She couldn’t possibly make the wrong choice. She was grateful that the leaders made all of those tough decisions for her._

_She could see the Agate outside of the room, conversing with some newcomers. A Pyrite and a Jade, it seemed. The Pyrite handed a destabilizer to the Agate. “You should’ve just gone to The Reef,” Pyrite said. “It’s much easier than ordering straight from the factory.”_

_“This is how White Diamond wanted it done.”_

_Pearl referenced the outfit in her list of acceptable appearances. It was a simple leotard with ornate gauze draped about. She was certain she could recreate it._

_“I’m ready to reform, now.”_

_And she was destabilized._

***

Rainbow opened his eyes and looked around the room. 

“Back so soon?” he breathed. The world was fresh and new again, and much less scary than it had been just moments ago. 

“I know I’m here as a means to an end, but it is still _so_ pleasant to enjoy my existence!”

Rainbow took a moment to observe his current state. Pearl at least seemed relaxed now, in the midst of this fusion, but was still frazzled under the surface. Steven was as determined as ever to help other people work through their problems.

Par for the course, really.

Rainbow, thankfully, was feeling energized. Steven and Pearl were a good fusion match, and Rainbow knew it. He looked down at his blazer, and over his shoulder at the back of his outfit, and even stepped into the bathroom for a moment to study himself in a mirror.

Rainbow _loved_ himself. 

He skipped back into the living room.

Rainbow knew exactly who he was, and how he felt.

He did a jeté, and then laughed, enjoying the sound of his voice.

After a few more rotations of graceful, goofy dancing, he spun towards the lounge area.

He plopped down on the sofa, thinking hard. “It all seems quite clear to me. Pearl has to find out what feels right and good! Experiment! I _know_ you enjoy that.” His hands were steepled together under his chin.

“We should test some new pronouns. But not just with Steven! Pearl needs more support! We require a third party.” He smirked. “Dare I suggest Connie? We all know she would be thrilled by the chance to help Pearl.

“And Pearl, I’m flattered that you would choose to emulate my form, but you can afford to be more bold! Try out some new designs of your own! I know you can do it. Don’t be afraid to mix it up!”

With a knowing grin, he leaned back on the sofa.

He pulled out Steven’s phone and dialed a number.

“Good afternoon, Connie! My name is Rainbow Quartz 2.0. You’ve met my components: a certain Steven Universe, and your favorite mentor, Pearl! Anyways, I would just love to meet you one of these days! Please arrange with Steven to visit as soon as possible. We’ve all got a project we’d like your help with.

“Until then!” Rainbow said, ending the call.

Rainbow sighed, and sank into the cushions. “I’m happy to help, and honored to have inspired you, Pearl. Good luck with your self discovery.”

Rainbow then took Pearl’s phone out of his other pocket, holding one cell in each hand, and took a selfie on Steven’s and Pearl’s phones simultaneously.

“Now, how about I break out that puzzle Pearl bought?”

***

Rain hit the side of the beach house steadily and softly. Pearl had set up laundry racks inside to air dry the clothes that would normally hang on the outdoor line. She nudged Steven's boots, which were propped up in front of the fireplace, but they still looked damp.

Steven had been on the couch for a while, laying on his back and staring straight up at his phone. He was texting someone intently.

Pearl surveyed her work. “Steven, I’m done in here. I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

“Oh, wait,” he sat up and looked at Pearl. “Hey, is it cool if Connie comes over today? She just told me she’s free.”

“Yes, of course!”

“And is it cool if we talk to her about…” Steven was clearly choosing his words carefully. “How you’ve been feeling lately?”

 _Oh. It was time for_ that, _then._

Pearl had actually been feeling fairly calm for the last week or so. Her... _situation_ had not yet been resolved. But with a new plan, and with Steven to help her, she’d been able to relax, despite her discomfort.

Pearl frowned. “Steven, I must admit that I’m a little nervous. I want to do this, of course! But-”

“No, I know you do! I get it.” Steven gave her a reassuring smile. “It’s okay, I’m with you. I believe in you! This is gonna go great.”

“Alright, then. Thank you.” Pearl was lost in her own thoughts now, her eyes drifting off somewhere behind Steven instead of right at him.

“I really think you should talk to Stevonnie,” he said. At that, Pearl’s eyes snapped back to him, and he could see she really was scared, now. “Connie will be super understanding, so you know Stevonnie will be too!”

“Er… I’m sure they would be! But that would just complicate things! The thought of telling Connie is already overwhelming-”

“Pearl, talking to another nonbinary person would really help you! I mean it!”

She grimaced. “I’ll think about it.”

_Why am I so scared? I trust Stevonnie, I really do. This is just so sudden._

“I just would have liked some time to adjust to this, I suppose,” Pearl explained.

Now, he looked sheepish. “I already asked Connie if she wanted to form Stevonnie today..”

“What?!” Pearl’s voice steadily rose in pitch and volume. “You didn’t tell her, did you?”

“No, I didn’t! All she knows is what Rainbow told her. And that I want to fuse today”

“Well, now she definitely knows something’s up!” Pearl huffed. “Ohhh, Stars, I wish he’d kept his mouth shut. I’m just making a fool of myself.”

“No you’re not! This is really important stuff. And also really scary. So I can see why you’re getting worked up. But trust me, this will be helpful for you.”

Pearl paused, then let out a sigh. “I’m sorry I’m acting so testy. I’m feeling really insecure right now.”

“Hey, I get it. It’ll be okay, really! If you want, I can explain things to Connie for you.”

“No, that’s quite alright. I’ll do it. I can’t avoid this forever.” She glanced at Steven, and looked hopeful for the first time in days. “Thank you, though.” She smiled.

“You’ve got this!” Steven said before heading to his loft.

Now, Pearl was alone with her thoughts.

Pearl began to pace. Around the coffee table, then towards the fridge, making a left before reaching the kitchen, and then back in front of the fireplace.

 _How do I phrase this to Connie?_ She wondered while pacing.

_I’m not even sure what I need yet. Yes, I should talk to Stevonnie. And Yes, I’d like to test out some new pronouns. But this is all based off of a hypothesis! What if I’m wrong? Then I’ll waste their time and make a fool of myself. This was easier before I involved Steven._

_Wait._

_No, That’s not true._

It was hard to recall exactly how she’d felt a few days ago, but she was certain that- as unsure and embarrassed as she’d been confiding in Steven- she had felt better afterwards.

Perhaps, no matter how embarrassing today would be, she would feel better afterwards. 

Even If it turns out she wasn't ‘nonbinary,’ as Steven had put it, at least she’d know for sure. There would be no more wondering.

 _I can trust them,_ she reminded herself. _Steven and Connie just want what’s best for me._

She busied herself with making a pot of tea.

_I’ll just tell Stevonnie everything I know. The information will be useful._

Then another pot.

_I can do this._

And was halfway through the third pot when there was a knock at the door.

“Hi Connie! Come on in,” Steven shouted as he jumped over the side of the loft.

Pearl froze, and looked down at the counter. Three teapots sat in front of her, two of them emitting steam. The room smelled sweet and felt cozy. All of the mixing scents helped her relax.

“Welcome, Connie!” Pearl said.

“Hi, Pearl!” Connie replied, before launching herself at Steven, wrapping him in a big hug. “Oh, Steven, it’s good to see you again!”

“Haha, you too!” Steven said, his words muffled by the lining of Connie’s coat. “This thing is drenched! _Blech._ ” Steven wiped the rainwater off of his face.

Pearl darted to the fireplace. “Come over here, Connie! Let’s get you warmed up!” She took Connie’s umbrella and bag out of her hands and laid them out on the floor. Connie's coat, she hung on the side corners of the nearest laundry rack. 

“It’s so cold today!” Connie said, hunched by the space heater.

“Thanks for coming all this way!” Steven said.

“Thank my dad for driving me!”

Pearl went back to the kitchen and finished preparing the tea while Steven and Connie got settled.

The two of them were huddled under one giant blanket on the far end of the couch when Pearl approached them. “We’ve got Jasmine, Citrus, and Mint. Which would you like?”

“Mint for me!” Connie said.

“I want them all mixed together,” Steven joked, getting Connie to stick her tongue out at him.

“ _Ewww!_ That’s like if you had orange juice and toothpaste!”

“I know, I know!” Steven laughed. “I’ll have jasmine! Thank you, Pearl!”

“Of course!” Pearl set them all up with the proper silverware and teacup saucers, pouring another cup of jasmine for herself.

She sat down next to them and smelled the steam from the cup. The steam wasn’t calming her anymore. She was a bundle of nerves. She didn’t want to break the silence. She didn’t want to talk about herself and ruin the mood.

Beside her, Steven nudged Pearl with his elbow.

“So, Connie… There’s something I’d like your assistance with,” Pearl finally got out.

Connie just looked _so_ excited.

“Yes, Ma’am!”

Steven flinched, but Pearl wasn’t bothered by the comment. “I’ve got this hypothesis, you see. And I need your help to test it.”

Connie watched her eagerly, so Pearl pressed on.

“I think… I believe that I…” She took a quick breath and set her tea back down on the low table. “I would like to test out some new pronouns. For myself.” Pearl had begun to look at the floor without realizing it. “If you don’t mind assisting me.”

Pearl could feel her fear getting the best of her, distracting her, but she still caught the _Whoa_ that came from Connie, barely audible.

“I- Of course! I’d love to!” Connie said, resting one of her hands on Steven’s shoulder. They were both facing her from under the blanket. “You can count on us! What pronouns would you prefer?”

 _This is way more enthusiasm than I was expecting. Perhaps I can do this_ , Pearl thought. Steven and Connie were staring her down, but in the most positive way possible. Having both of them right in front of her, eager to help, was such an affirming feeling. She finally felt ready.

“I would like to try using third person plural pronouns, please,” Pearl said as calmly as possible.

“That means ‘they and them,’” Steven stage whispered to Connie.

Connie laughed and pushed at Steven. “I know what that means, silly!” Steven chuckled and turned back to Pearl, giving them a quick thumbs-up.

“So,” Pearl began, “Do you recall the voicemail Rainbow Quartz 2.0 left for you, Connie?”

“Yeah! Rainbow 2.0 seems like a really cool person! I hope we get to meet one-on-one soon. Steven had already told me all about the first time you guys fused, so I wasn’t too surprised by that message.” Connie looked back and forth between Pearl and Steven. “What are Rainbow’s pronouns?”

“Rainbow uses ‘He’ and ‘They!’” Steven explained, turning to Pearl expectantly.

“And it was experiencing a different pronoun set firsthand that made me begin to question myself,” Pearl said. “Not that anyone referred to Rainbow while we were in the fusion! But it was just _the knowledge_ that we went by those pronouns, and Rainbow’s complete confidence in that identity, that struck me. It just felt… really good.” Pearl was embarrassed by how hard it was to explain their feelings. “I know that’s not a lot to go off of. But I still want to try it.”

“Hey, you’re curious! You’re questioning! That’s all the reason you need.” Connie was smiling at Pearl, trying to be as reassuring as possible. “It sounds like what you felt in that fusion was gender euphoria. There’s nothing wrong with seeking that out again.”

“I hope not,” Pearl said. _What an interesting phrase._ Pearl wondered how many new terms they’d be introduced to during this experiment. _Gender Euphoria. I would love to feel that again._

Then Connie gasped. “Hey, this means you use the same pronouns as Stevonnie!”

“...I suppose I do,” Pearl said.

“So that’s why you asked about Stevonnie earlier!” Connie said to Steven. “You think they'll be able to help Pearl!”

“Yeah! You still up for it?” Steven said, seeking reassurance from Connie as much as Pearl.

“Of course!”

Pearl was surprised. Now that the hard part was over- that is to say, bringing up the issue in the first place- they felt _good_. Relieved, and excited, and so, so glad that Connie was willing- no, eager- to support them. All of Pearl’s fear about interacting with Stevonnie earlier was replaced with excitement.

“Hey,” Stevonnie said.

Which made Pearl jump up slightly. “Stevonnie! I didn’t- When-"

“You were deep in thought,” They supplied. “Anyways. It’s great to see you again!” Stevonnie grinned, and then leaned forward and enveloped Pearl in a large hug.

“You too, Stevonnie!” Pearl laughed. “Thank you for coming all this way and fusing to speak with me.”

“Hey, I’m here for me, too! It’s been a while since I got to enjoy being me.” 

Stevonnie twisted around to sit cross-legged on the couch, facing Pearl.

Pearl copied their pose.

“Are you okay with people using the word ‘nonbinary’ to describe you?” Stevonnie said.

"I suppose. I'll have to try it out for a while. It's accurate from a gem standpoint, since homeworld doesn't have a binary in the first place." 

"Everyone uses 'she' there, right?" Stevonnie asked. "'Cause if you're lookin' for something new to try, there's actually a lot more new pronouns on Earth. And lots more words to describe yourself, other than nonbinary." 

“I’ll stick to ‘they,’ for now. And I’m not ready to decide on a label. I’ll wait until later for that, if it’s alright.”

“Yeah! It’s all good, Pearl.” Stevonnie was beaming by this point. _Perhaps they’re happy to have another nonbinary person around, too,_ Pearl thought.

“So, if I were to tell someone that I’m ‘nonbinary,’ they'd know what I meant by that?”

“Well, most people won’t know that term, actually. But you can describe it to them! I’ve already explained it to lots of people on the boardwalk; So as long as you’re in Beach City, people should know what that means.”

“Alright, then. I think I can handle that,” Pearl said.

Stevonnie was clearly well versed in this process of explaining their existence to people. Pearl knew they’d be asking Stevonnie for advice a lot in the coming weeks. _In a way, I’m glad that Stevonnie has already met most of the people in this town. That will make explaining myself to people a little easier._

“And another thing!” Stevonnie was suddenly very animated, as if they had some wonderful piece of news for Pearl. “I’ve noticed that since Connie cut her hair, I’ve been called ‘they’ by strangers more often! It’s really cool! Like, when I had super long hair, most people thought I was a girl. But now, most people can’t tell, and just use ‘they’ pronouns for me right off the bat! I haven’t had to correct anyone’s pronoun usage for me in a while!” 

Now, Stevonnie paused. “I mean, I’m not suggesting you change how you look! You don’t have to at all. It’s just. Since my appearance changed a bit, people have noticed, and stopped assuming I’m a girl. It’s a really nice feeling.”

Pearl thought for a moment.

Pearl was sure that every human they met assumed they were a woman. That had never bothered Pearl before. 

But now… Pearl wasn’t so sure they liked that, anymore.

Pearl imagined giving off a different impression. They imagined the things they could do to display their identity to passersby.

The possibilities were exciting.

“That’s actually a really useful piece of information, Stevonnie. Thank you.” And Pearl really meant it. The insight that Connie and Stevonnie had given to Pearl today was quite reassuring.

Pearl picked up their cup of tea and drew in a long breath over the rim. They were beginning to feel calm again, for the first time since Connie had arrived. Beside them, Stevonnie had picked up Steven’s cup and begun to drink. 

“I’ve got a lot to think about now. How about I leave you be for a while? I’ll be nearby if you need anything,” Pearl said.

“Same for you! I’ll be upstairs,” Stevonnie said before heading to Steven’s loft. They saw Pearl turn around and give the laundry racks an appraising look. 

They found an unfinished Unfamiliar book on Steven’s bed and plopped down to finish it. 

“Where were we? Oh, Connie loves this part! You’ll like it too, Steven.”

***

_Pearl was in awe._

_Amethyst was shapeshifting again, and she looked so natural. She looked at home in her skin. As if she weren't a foot taller than usual._

_Pearl had been retrieving groceries for the house. She had arrived in Beach City with Steven and Greg that morning, just back from their trip to Empire City, to find the house completely devoid of food. And what a trip it had been! She wanted nothing more than some private time to think in her room in the temple. But first, Steven needed the fridge restocked._

_And Pearl had been distracted from her errand when she caught sight of the self-proclaimed “Shorty Squad” on the other end of the boardwalk._

_There Amethyst was, standing next to Steven and Peridot. They weren’t exactly the “Shorty Squad” right now. Steven was taller too, and Pearl was certain this was Amethyst’s doing, somehow-_

_Pearl ducked around a corner before they could notice her._

_Shapeshifting rubbed Pearl the wrong way. It brought up unpleasant memories, for sure; but the concept itself was so overwhelming, so daunting! She’d never been comfortable with it from the start. And not just because of her past experiences with it. It was hard enough coming up with new regenerations. And shapeshifting as a whole was infinitely more vast._

_It was marvelous, really. How Amethyst could take on so many different forms, and still be so similar, so true to herself. It was like flux was a part of who she was._

I suppose I envy her for that, _Pearl thought._

It’s not fair. She gets to experiment with all of these forms and I’m stuck like this! All I have is regeneration-

No. Calm down. I chose my form perfectly so that I would _not_ have to think about it again for decades. I’m wasting time questioning myself.

I’m sure Amethyst is just going overboard with how much she changes her form, _Pearl concluded._

_Although, now that she thought about it, Pearl herself had changed her form the least out of everyone since leaving homeworld for good. Pink Diamond had completely reinvented who she was. Ruby and Sapphire had, quite literally, become a new person. Even Steven had changed, in the leisurely way that human aging took its course._

_Pearl continued on her way back to the house, groceries in tow._

_She took one last glance at Amethyst before the three of them left her view._

_Amethyst was a cat, now._

And then there’s the Purple Puma, _Pearl thought._ What a silly name she chose for herself. Why does she enjoy taking on forms so vastly different from her normal one? That’s not right-

But why?

Why do I think that? Garnet shapeshifts all the time, and stars, Rose changed her form more than anyone else- So what’s bothering me about Puma?

_And then Pearl found herself staring at the front door of the house. She put down one of the bags of food to open the door._

Oh, well. I hope the three of them have fun shapeshifting today. Away. Where I can’t see them.

***

Stevonnie re-read the page they were on.

And then they read it again. 

This was arguably the coolest part of the book- and still, they got no reaction from Steven’s part of their consciousness.

They were clearly having trouble concentrating. Stevonnie turned over on their side, and placed the dog-eared book back on Steven’s dresser.

_You really shouldn’t bookmark pages like that, Steven._

_I know._

Stevonnie returned to lying on their back.

_Now, what’s got me so worked up?_

_...It’s Pearl. Of course it’s Pearl._

_I really hope I handled that right. Pearl is clearly going through a tough time._

They looked down at Pearl, barely visible over the corner of Steven’s bed. 

_I wonder if Pearl would like some other pronoun than ‘they’ even more. Oh, or maybe they’d enjoy a new name!_

Stevonnie watched as Pearl started folding the dryest pieces of clothing. They seemed relatively carefree, sorting the garments into neatly pressed stacks. 

Stevonnie was pleased to see that Pearl was taking this surprisingly well. Pearl was doubtlessly thinking about their identity right now, but they seemed to be having positive thoughts, rather than anxiety. Pearl grabbed a mob and bucket from the cupboard, and began to hum a tune as they cleaned all the sand and rainwater from the front entryway. Pearl puttered about happily- they seemed to be completely at peace. 

Stevonnie watched Pearl mop the house for a bit. _They seem okay._ I’m _the one that needs to relax._ Stevonnie picked up the book again. 

But then there was silence. Pearl had stopped humming- stopped moving, even. Stevonnie could see at the edge of their vision that Pearl was staring off into space. As the minutes ticked by, it was clear that Pearl had found something else to worry about.

Stevonnie was trying to find a delicate way to ask Pearl what was wrong, but Pearl beat them to it.

“Hey, Stevonnie, are you sure people are really that accepting of this?”

“Well, I traipse around Beach City all the time and I’ve never had any trouble! If anything, People seem fascinated by me!”

“Well, that’s a relief, I suppose.” Pearl thought for a moment, resting most of their weight on the mop they had been using. “I guess I’m just worried it’ll hurt my chances. I’m quite enjoying this ‘Dating Scene,’ as Amethyst puts it.”

 _Ah,_ Stevonnie thought. _That’s what this is about_. Stevonnie got up and crossed the room. Pearl looked up at them, and if Pearl’s sheepish expression was any indication, then Pearl honestly thought that their gender expression would make it hard to get anyone to date them.

“Pearl, you don’t need to be humble! You’re a catch!” They nudged Pearl in the side. “You really don’t need to worry about that.”

“I’m just trying to be realistic. No sense getting my hopes up.”

Pearl had started down the road of self-deprecation again, Stevonnie noted. Pearl seemed to do that whenever they were insecure.

“Hey.” Stevonnie said to Pearl, crossing their arms and taking on a slightly more serious tone. “You'll have no problem. I’ve seen your collection of cell numbers!” Stevonnie laughed. “I just love how surprised that mystery girl at the party was to see you! She was probably like, ‘Whoa, it’s that cutie from the donut shop again! They ran from the cops! I’ve gotta give them my number.’” Stevonnie waited for Pearl to process that. 

Pearl looked _enthralled._

Stevonnie smirked. “But I’m still not sure how I feel about you evading arrest, Pearl.”

Pearl missed that last comment. They were lost in their own mind again.

 _So that’s what it feels like to have people use neutral pronouns for me,_ Pearl thought.

_It feels wonderful._

_I love this. I love this so much._

_I want everyone to refer to me this way._

_There very well might be some people that don’t get it. Some people that are no longer interested in me because of it._

_I don’t care. It’s worth it._

_I feel like I could do anything right now._

“Pearl? What are you thinking about,” Stevonnie asked, even though they could see they’d successfully gotten Pearl out of their funk.

“I… That might be…” Pearl was giddy, almost to the point of being overwhelmed, and took a moment to arrange their thoughts. “Being called ‘they’ is fantastic. That might be one of the best things I have experienced in a good while.”

 _Phew. I am_ so _relieved I handled that right,_ Stevonnie thought _._

“Good! I’m glad!” Stevonnie smiled. “You wanna try out some other pronouns too?”

“Not right now. I’ll stick with ‘they’ for a while.”

“Well, are you still in the mood to experiment right now?”

Pearl considered for a moment. _The pronoun experiment had been a complete success. I learned something new about myself._ _I don’t want to lose this momentum! Who knows how long I can keep this up?_

They nodded. “Yes. Let’s keep experimenting,” Pearl said, and began putting away the cleaning equipment.

When Pearl returned, Stevonnie fixed their gaze on them, giving off a wide grin.

“I’m going to try something new. You ready?”

“I suppose so!” Pearl replied.

Stevonnie cleared their throat, as if preparing to deliver a monologue on stage. 

“Hey, Earl!”

Vertigo. Pearl’s head was spinning instantly. Their ears were ringing, their limbs were frozen, they couldn’t control their facial muscles and their face was stuck in a grimace- _why can’t I move-_

“Pearl. Calm down. It’s okay!”

That made Pearl panic even more. Earl. _Earl._ Why _does that name make me_ reel?

“Stop. Breathe. What are you thinking?”

_That I shouldn't be so affected by a name! That I shouldn’t feel thrilled by defying my design! This isn’t right!_

“Breathe.”

And they did. Pearl forced themself to regulate the air as it passed to their lungs. _I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I’m-_

“What’s wrong?”

Pearl took a deep breath.

“ _I’m_ wrong, I shouldn’t have enjoyed that. I’m sorry,” they managed to say.

Stevonnie immediately looked guilty. “No, I shouldn't have sprung that on you. _I’m_ sorry. Here, I’ll let you decide what to do next. I don’t want to startle you anymore.”

“I’m done experimenting for the day. Let’s just… talk.”

“Okay.” Stevonnie concentrated for a moment, then looked determined again. “Okay! Can do!” They said.

Awkwardly, Stevonnie stood and waited for Pearl to guide the discussion. But Pearl stayed silent. It didn't seem like they were at a loss for words. Rather, Pearl seemed to be having dozens of thoughts, all at once, stifling all of them.

“So… How did the new pronouns make you feel?”

“...Amazing.”

 _Ah. One word answers, then._ All of the momentum from their earlier conversation was gone.

“And how did using a different name feel?”

Pearl blushed. “It’s… hard to ignore my programming. Using different pronouns didn't feel like a transgression, but... Changing my name does. I’m defying my design.”

“But did you like it?”

Pearl blushed even more. Their face was a deep blue, and they were on the verge of tears. “Yes.”

Stevonnie wrapped Pearl in a hug. “Hey, I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. But it’s okay. Really. You’re not on homeworld! Who cares how you were designed?”

But Pearl pushed them away. “This isn’t worth it. No matter how good it makes me feel.”

“I mean, if it felt good, there’s no reason not to do it again!”

“But I shouldn’t! It would be such an inconvenience to everyone! My personal hang-ups are not worth their time. I don’t want to bother anyone.”

“What? No, Pearl, it won’t bother the people in your life!” Stevonnie had their hands clenched at their sides and spoke with such conviction Pearl almost believed them. “Of course it’s worth it! You’re worth it! Please don’t quit before you’ve even started.”

Pearl was crying, now. 

“...Pearl? It’s okay, really. You’re worth it.”

They didn’t get a response from Pearl. So Stevonnie joined Pearl in the silence, and held them firmly in a hug. Pearl’s tears would become uglier and more violent before they began to subside.

At last, Pearl had calmed down. They took a step back and glanced at Stevonnie, before glancing away, and turning around.

“Thank you, Stevonnie. I need to think now. I’ll be in the temple.” They had already started retreating before they’d finished speaking.

“I’ll be here if you need me!” Stevonnie shouted.

And then Stevonnie was alone in the house.

_***_

Pearl was in their temple room now, staring at the mirror they’d conjured. 

They could see, in the background, the reflected streams of numerous waterfalls. Pearl was framed by them, standing perfectly still.

They thought they’d have made more progress by now, but it’d been hours and Pearl still couldn’t think straight.

Pearl focused on the flow of the water again. It was one of the most calming sounds, in their opinion.

_Don’t worry about other people right now._

_Don’t think about their reactions. Don’t think about coming out. Don’t think about things that could go wrong._

_I’m only going to think about me._

Pearl thought about things they liked about themself, right now.

Pearl liked their form. It served them well, and they felt very comfortable in it. They liked all of the skills they’d learned, all of the feats of battle they could perform, all of the art and music they were capable of creating with it.

Pearl thought about changing it, and decided that wasn’t necessary.

Pearl then thought about how they’d been dressing their form, over the past few centuries.

Pearl thought about how, over the years, they'd been choosing forms with less flourish- no more gauzy drapes, no more flowing skirts- they'd even been cropping their hair shorter, tighter to their form- nearly the opposite of what homeworld had wanted of them.

_Oh, no._

Pearl moved for the first time in hours, and saw their reflection in the mirror double over slightly.

_Is this just another act of rebellion against Homeworld?_

_What if these feelings aren’t genuine at all?_

_My recent stint on homeworld must have completely overwhelmed me. Made me feel like I wasn't in control of my life again. I clearly just want to distance myself from homeworld._

_Is that all this is? Another way for me to rebel?_

All of the doubts Pearl had been feeling weeks ago, hours ago, came back in full force. Their reflection was now bent over, hands on their knees, breathing erratically.

_I’ve just wasted everyone's time, haven’t I?_

_Wasted Steven’s time, making him comfort me for nothing._

_Wasted Connie's time, making her test out these hypotheses._

_And what a result to come to, after all of these tests! That I was just trying to escape my past!_

_Worst of all,_ they thought, _I got Stevonnie’s hopes up. They were so excited to have another nonbinary person to talk to. Stevonnie fused for nothing, they played along with my tests for nothing, they even called me ‘they’ for nothing-_

And there was that rush of euphoria again. 

It consumed Pearl for a moment. It felt much better to bask in that euphoria than to wallow in self doubt.

Pearl took a deep breath, and began thinking logically again.

_Now, then, are my feelings genuine, or just an act of rebellion?_

_... there is no reason why it couldn't be both._

Anyone that knew Pearl knew that they absolutely reveled in the act of rebellion. Pearl was extremely proud of their past as a homeworld defector.

Rebellion was a part of their identity.

_If I was just trying to alleviate past trauma, I don't think this would make me feel so delighted. My feelings are genuine. My feelings are good. I’m learning how to decide what I want and ask for it._

_This is another way for me to learn about myself and express myself._

_I can reinvent myself._

_This will help me reach my full potential._

Pearl looked back up at the mirror and studied themself.

Their outfit was jarringly similar to Rainbow’s, really- the only big difference was the shirt.

But Pearl liked the shirt. They liked the whole outfit. Both theirs, and Rainbow’s. 

Pearl was also quite fond of Rainbow Quartz’s hair. They liked how it swooped straight up in front, right above the gem in their forehead.

Pearl’s hair had done that, once. It had only been for a brief stint, returning to the familiar in their next reformation.

Pearl suddenly had the urge to try that haircut out again. And there was no reason why they couldn't! They could shape-shift again, after all.

Pearl closed their eyes and tweaked their form. And could not reopen their eyes.

_There are no wrong answers, Pearl. This isn’t homeworld. You’re not doing this for anyone but yourself. You can’t choose the wrong appearance._

Pearl opened their eyes.

They _loved_ it. They loved how spiky it was, how it made them look taller, how it framed their gem- and how it was definitely something that would come across as masculine to other people on the planet.

Perhaps they would try out some new clothes in the near future. Pearl was beginning to see how useful it was to change things up occasionally. That was how they’d found out how much they liked jeans, after all.

And then, _and then-_

Maybe Pearl could even try out a new name. Now that the shock from earlier had worn off, Pearl could see that the concept truly excited them.

Stevonnie had been right on the money. If, perhaps, a bit too soon.

It felt great to defy their design. It felt great to try something entirely new.

***

_The waves crashed on the shore one after another. Rose had been listening to them for hours._

_They came and went, ebbed and flowed, refusing to sit still, even for a moment. The last rays of the sunset washed over the sea spray. The sun was long gone behind Rose._

_Earth would never stop being beautiful to her._

_It was just about the only event today that she’d found the slightest bit of comfort in. All of the people most dear to her were giving her a wide berth right now._

_Except for the figure curled up and trembling in the sand beside her._

_“It’s okay, Pearl. You’ll be okay. Because, after all, you’re still on earth. You’ll still be free.” Rose scooted closer to Pearl, their knees touching, and reached out to hold Pearl’s face in her hands. “I know that losing me will hurt you more than anything, but you won’t be alone, and this is the ideal place to move on and start a new chapter of your life.”_

_Pearl tore herself from Rose’s grasp and slammed her fists on the ground. “The whole point of coming to earth was so that we could live together! So that you could start a new life! You’re throwing that away! And what about me?” Pearl leaned on her hands, legs tucked beneath her, fresh tears pouring onto the sand. “We made this new life together and you’re leaving me. Earth has nothing for me. It was always just… you.”_

_Rose sighed, and sent a mournful look to Pearl. “You’re holding yourself back.”_

_Pearl was thrown for a loop. “Excuse me?” All her complaints died before they left her mouth, and she stared up at Rose in confusion._

_Rose didn’t respond for a while, staring at Pearl knowingly._

_The confused expression began to shift into anger, and Rose backpedaled._

_“No, I-” Rose took time to choose her words more carefully. “Pearl. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m certain there are things about yourself that you don't even know yet. Please,_ please _take the time to discover yourself here, and learn to be your own gem._ That’s _what’s so much better about Earth than Homeworld.”_

_“Huh?” Pearl was so taken aback, so spent, that she couldn’t defend herself anymore._

_“Look, I’m speaking from experience when I say that it’s impossible to grow as a person on homeworld! They stifle everyone so much there, and punish all free thought, and, and-” Rose’s arms were gesturing widely, emphatically, trying to get her point across before she could even find words for her feelings. “Actively discourage people from thinking about themselves, or their feelings- You know this! We learned that together! When we discovered the joys of life on earth together, I was forever a different gem!”_

_Pearl made to interject, but Rose barreled on._

_“And I can’t help but worry that all you’ve done is follow in my footsteps. I worry that you are still not your own gem.” Abruptly, Rose calmed down._

_Pearl seemed to need some time to process that. Rose reclined in the sand, patiently watching the waves again._

_Constant flux, always breathtaking._

_After a while, Pearl leaned into her side. Wind whipped a lock of Rose’s hair over Pearl’s shoulder._

_Quietly, “Please don’t leave me.”_

_Rose reached up and cradled Pearl’s shoulder with one hand._

_“Look to Garnet and Amethyst for support in the future. They’ll be feeling a great loss, same as you. If you care for each other, then you’ll all be able to learn how to be independent in time. And the more you all learn about yourselves, the better you’ll be able to support each other, and encourage each other, and soon enough you’ll find that I’m a part of a distant chapter in your lives. You’ll all be able to move on-”_

_“No! No, no, no-” Pearl shouted._

_Rose yanked her arm back from Pearl’s shoulder._

_“I can’t move on!”_

_“Of course you can. It’ll take a support group, and time-”_

_“It doesn’t work that way. We were together for thousands of years. It would take me thousands more to get over you! You’re a part of who I am! You’ll be tearing that part of me away!” Pearl was all but screaming at this point._

_Rose looked grim. It took her a few moments to drag her eyes back up, and respond to Pearl._

_“Can you promise me something?”_

_Pearl was incensed, still, but could not deny her. She gave a curt nod._

_Rose took a deep breath. “Thousands of years from now, when you’re over me, when the loss is bearable, can you promise to seriously consider everything I've said to you today?_ Really _consider it. I mean it when I say that you have so much untapped potential. The whole point of being on Earth is that we can grow, and change, and reinvent ourselves.” Rose clasped her hands over Pearl’s. “I don’t think either of us has been doing much of that since we settled in after the war. It’s been wonderful, of course, but it’s been the same. I_ want _you to grow. You’re not independent, not as you truly deserve to be.” Rose muttered the next part- “Not as long as I’m around.”_

_Pearl was emotionally drained at this point. She hung her head and began to cry once more._

_“Don’t go.”_

_Rose let go of Pearl, and extended her arms. Pearl sank into them._

_“You’ve been tethered to me for so long. Earth can set you free.”_

_They listened to the waves crash on the shore._

_It was a beautiful night._

***

Rainbow left the house and walked along the beach. They couldn't see Amethyst, but she had said that she'd be traipsing the city today. And there was no telling where Garnet could be. 

It was a lovely day for a walk. 

They reached the Big Donut and looked around. There was still no sign of Garnet or Amethyst. They would need a higher vantage point to search. From above them, the giant donut statue cast a shadow over the front walkway. Rainbow gave it a considering look and hopped up onto the roof. Up there, standing in the shade of the donut statue, the light sea breeze was stronger, and they had a much better view of town. A few tourists had seen this stunt, and they watched with confused interest. 

Rainbow smiled at them. 

"Welcome to Beach City! You're here at a fine time of year!" They leaned over, resting one arm against the donut statue, the other tapping the roof of the building with their parasol. "Might I recommend catching a quick bite here? I've heard it's quite good! There is also pizza and fries further down the boardwalk." 

Some of them nodded. One said 'thanks.' They all kept on watching him.

"Well, I'm off. Good day to you all!" Rainbow said before jumping over them, landing on the souvenir shirt shop across the way. 

He continued jumping from building to building, making his way past Fish Stew Pizza, past the Fry shop, past the arcade. He was nearing the end of the boardwalk when someone called out to him. 

"Hey dude!" Amethyst shouted up to him. "Good to see you again!"

Rainbow whipped his head around and saw Amethyst headed towards him from out of the residential neighborhood on his right. 

"There you are!" He said, hopping off the building and landing by her side. "I was hoping to find you this way! What are you up to?" 

"Me and G' and V' are hanging out right now. Come join us!"

"Perfect! I was hoping to talk about something important with you and Garnet." 

Rainbow followed her around the corner, eyes resting on the entrance to Vidalia's garage.

“Wait," Rainbow said, pulling Amethyst back by the shoulder. He smiled conspiratorially at her. "I’ve got a splendid idea.”

***

"Yo, G! I have a surprise for you!" Amethyst poked her head through the curtains to Vidalia’s studio.

Garnet and Vidalia were towards the back of the room, Garnet lying on a lounge chair and Vidalia partially obscured by a large newsprint ream. 

Garnet had looked up at Amethyst when she entered. She glanced back at Vidalia. "Sorry. I've got to go. I’ll be back soon." 

"No, No! Stay here! This is the perfect setup!" Amethyst said.

Garnet crossed her arms and leaned back in the chair. "Alright. Lay it on me." 

Amethyst backed up, towards the entrance to the room. Vidalia’s garage was currently bracketed by a large, red flowing curtain. From Garnet's viewpoint, Amethyst was backlit by crimson-tinged sunlight. 

"I’ve got someone I'd like you to meet! Presenting the one! The only! Rainbow Quartz!" 

With that, Amethyst spun to the side just as a gust of wind blew the curtains open, bathing the room in light. In the center, a figure was blocked behind a parasol.

"Good afternoon, Garnet! I am Rainbow 2.0! Delighted to make your acquaintance!" Rainbow then lifted the parasol over his head and gave it a twirl as he looked at Garnet.

She immediately leapt across the room to him. She was Beaming.

“You!” She grabbed him by the shoulders. “Have a lot of explaining to do!” And she pulled him into a big hug.

"Yes! Well! It's been a few weeks since Pearl and Steven fused for the first time!" His words were slightly muffled by Garnet's shoulder. "Since you had yet to meet me, it seemed only fair to make a grand entrance!" 

Garnet could be heard faintly squealing from excitement.

"Hey! Let me in on this!" Amethyst jumped up on Garnet’s shoulders and joined the hug.

"Everyone! Stay _exactly_ where you are," Vidalia ordered. "I _need_ to paint this."

***

"Y'all can chill as long as you like," Vidalia said. "I’m going in for a snack." She turned around, but was stopped in her tracks. "Oh, how long have you been here?" She said, scooping up Onion into her arms and heading back into her kitchen.

"This is a perfect likeness," Pearl said, looking over the newsprint sketches Vidalia had done and comparing them to the selfie on their phone. "I do hope she lets us keep some of them." 

"Just take a picture of them, P!" Amethyst said.

"I suppose! But not without asking her first." 

"She’ll give them to us," Garnet said.

"Ahem." Steven cleared his throat. "Thank you all for being here today." 

"Oh yeah! What's going on?" Amethyst asked. "R-Q-Two said he wanted to talk with us."

Steven smiled. "Pearl?" He said, looking over at them.

"Yes." Pearl got up from the art table and turned to face them all. "I have an announcement. Could you both hear me out for a few minutes?" 

Garnet nodded, and plopped back down in her lounge chair. Amethyst curled up next to her.

Pearl took a fortifying breath, then turned to Amethyst. 

“Amethyst, I realized recently that the main reason your stint as Purple Puma bothered me so much was because I was jealous. I am sorry about that. I was jealous of how easily you slipped into this alternate version of yourself. I was envious of how confident you were to experiment with new forms.

"And- as I’m sure you’ve both noticed- I’ve been experimenting a lot, too, recently.”

Amethyst smiled, and piped up, "Yeah! I love the new hair!" 

Pearl blushed. "Thank you.

"But, yes. I've been experimenting with change, recently, and there's a big change I'd like to make. I want to be referred to with 'they' and 'them' from now on.

“I really can’t deny it any longer. Being called ‘she’ just feels… wrong, somehow. But it didn’t used to feel that way! This is kind of new! I mean, I never knew there were other options so I thought nothing of it. But after fusing with Steven and forming Rainbow the Second, it was like a door had been opened. Steven helped me realize that I feel more comfortable being referred to this way. 

“This is my home, now,” Pearl said, gesturing to the room surrounding them. “I finally feel like I belong. I finally feel excited about letting humans into my life. And I want to be the most genuine person I can be with those around me, the people I share this home with. This is what makes me feel genuine, and true to myself.

"So… yeah," Pearl finished. They lost some steam and looked down, hugging their torso.

“Right on,” Amethyst said. She hopped across the room and hugged pearl. “You got it.”

Garnet crossed the room. "I'm proud of you for figuring that out." She hugged them both, too.

Pearl was overwhelmed, but so, so happy. They took a moment to revel in the support and love around them. When they opened their eyes, they saw- from over Garnet’s shoulder- Steven, who was practically bouncing with excitement.

He gave them a thumbs up, and a huge grin.

***

_I’ve been hoping that everything’s better now everything’s out in the open._

***

Steven and Pearl were on the beach, staring out at the waves.

"No, go on, tell me what you’re thinking,” he prompted.

Pearl kept quiet for a bit longer before relenting. They sighed. "All right.”

Pearl leaned back and stared at the sky above them. “Perhaps, even after all these years, I was still dressing to impress Rose…” Pearl wondered. “I would always consider how she would react to my outfits, what _she_ would like the most. I never prioritized what I would like the most. I never even let myself try anything new. If I changed, it was because someone else told me to.”

“Oh,” Steven interjected, “I hope I wasn't doing something similar earlier. Stevonnie kinda encouraged you to mix things up.”

“No, that’s different! I truly feel unencumbered now. Free to experiment as much as I want.” Pearl gave a soft smile to Steven. “And you are helping me so much by encouraging me to experiment.”

Steven considered that. He looked confused. “Does that mean… Mom _didn’t_ encourage you to experiment?”

“Oh, quite the contrary. If she thought I hadn’t tried something new in a while, she would push me out of my comfort zone.” Pearl’s face was more closed off as they thought about their past experiences with Rose. “But I was… getting mixed messages from her. She wanted me to open up to the other crystal gems, and to humans, but… there was always going to be a small barrier, no matter what, because of what I knew.

“After all, she and I shared what was possibly the greatest secret in the galaxy. How could I possibly have gotten that close to anyone else? 

“At first, I reveled in it. But in reality, it just meant I latched myself onto her. I escaped homeworld’s dictatorship only to attach myself to another person immediately.”

Pearl was crouching down now, and Steven gave them a hug while they recounted the past.

“I think I never would've learned to be my own person as long as she was around.”

Steven looked hurt at this. “Did Rose do more harm than good to you?”

“Well, Yes! I couldn’t shapeshift because of her! I couldn’t dress the way I wanted because of her! I couldn’t even tell the truth because of her-”

Pearl was getting close to shouting, but they stopped suddenly.

“I take that back. That was a little harsh. She was the one who first taught me I could be my own gem, after all. And I’m sure she didn't intend for me to feel stifled. She never told me not to do any of those things.”

“Except the lying part.”

“Yes.” Pearl sighed. “I was the one holding myself back. Life was so much better after Rose and I got a new start on Earth. I never questioned it! I never would've guessed there was still something missing.”

“Well, in your defense, it’s hard to be honest with yourself when you’re being forced to keep so many secrets.”

“Yeah.” Pearl reached out and pulled Steven over to them. They watched the waves together for a time. It was wonderful, being able to bask in some well-earned calm and comfort.

Pearl had made a plan, and it worked fantastically.

“Thank you for your help, Steven. For… everything.”

Steven leaned his head on their shoulder.

“No prob. I love you, Pearl.”

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfic
> 
> I have read more than my fair share of "character comes out, and is supported by their friends" fics.
> 
> I was bound to write one eventually i suppose


End file.
